Saturday, November 10, 2007

Branch AQ: Running Away From Scary Marine Biologists

I just want to remind everyone here that as of right now, we don't have very good proof that these people are in league with the Evil Power Master. We have hunches, sure, and we made smalltalk over coffee, but these could just as easily be (NAME OF GROUP REMOVED DUE TO PRESSING LEGAL ACTION).

So let's just follow Jose. Why panic?
Because the marine biologists hate us and have brought us into a room with 6 cons. That's a pretty good reason to panic. This is one of the more unpleasant ends we've run into. Maybe they want to play Parcheesi? No. No they do not. Oww.

It is a sad thing our adventures have ended here.
Ending AP:
Type: Death/Failure

You know what? Running away seems like a good idea now. I don't know why they're trying to murder us, but clearly Marine Biology is a field with a seedy underbelly.

Like a bad date, you escape through the bathroom. Also like a bad date, someone is yelling "Stop! Stop where you are! There is no escape.". We run to the docks past lasers, in a pathetic attempt to escape before the marine biologists tell us more about the fish.

We're either going to escape in a boat (BB) or hide under a dock (BC). And we're never going to Sea World again.

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 10
Non-Endings: BE
Victory Endings: Z AC AR AT
Failure Endings: AA AB AP AS BD
Death Endings: AA AB AP AS BD

What-The-Hell Endings: AA BE

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Branch Y: Exciting Dialogue

I lied. There is no exciting dialogue here. Instead, this is what we call "Meaningless smalltalk over coffee".

We could Follow Jose (Branch AP) and look at some filtration tanks. Or you can stall for time against the dangerous marine biologists (Branch AQ), thus proving that you are insane.

Or, we could have scary picture Jamboree.

Branch L: Lying to Marine Biologists

Well, let's see how our Metal Gear Flppto mission turns out if we, say, run the hell away.

..surprisingly well. Our fit of cowardice has given us a perfect view of the Evil Power Master going corporeal, and thus arrestable. Why we're arresting him and not shooting him (to death) is utterly beyond me. It seems like a bad idea, yes? Guess it's not really efficient for him to use his Focused Laser while he has three heads, and isn't a giant floating head.

Ending Z:
Type: Victory

Wow. We're really running through those victory endings pretty quickly. There are only two of those left... and yet 22 endings to go. Uh Oh.

Now, I feel bad about us running away like that. Surely if we take the Solid Snake route against all adversity, we will be rewarded. Rewards... right?

Commander of the Rapid Force, master of trench warfare. Now let's see you breathe mustard gas, buddy. I thought not. More importantly, this is around the first page in the book where we aren't doing something inherently stupid. Maybe the book can keep up this kind of momentum.

It turns out the Evil Power Master was three marine biologists this entire time.
... And they would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for us damn teenagers and our talking Martian.
Hey, while you're at it, you guys ought to make the Evil Power Master one of the Scooby-Doo gang (but don't you dare photoshop him onto Velma (please don't, I will cry)).

It's getting all Cho Aniki up in here. Somehow many of you could see this coming... but... it turns out the Evil Power Master is three naked android monsters with glowing crotches. Also, we fail spectacularly. Also, this is the worst way to die in the entire book.

Ending AA:
Type: Death/Failure/What-The-Hell

Your photoshop homework is... argh...


You know what? Metal Gear Flppto was a terrible plan. We're going to lie and pretend to be smart about fish.
Well, I like how this path didn't expose us to android crotch lasers. Things are looking up for the Commander of the Rapid Force! But our dinner with the other three, highly suspcious, probably not glow-crotch androids, marine biologists is interrupted by a sinister loudspeaker delivering a status report.

Our new choices are (Branch X) lie about being tired, (Branch Y) continue eating with suspicious marine bioloigists, or (Branch OHGODNO),

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 9
Non-Endings: BE
Victory Endings: Z AC AR AT
Failure Endings: AA AB AS BD
Death Endings: AA AB AS BD

What-The-Hell Endings: AA BE

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Branch M: Metal Gear Flppto

This is a sneaking mission. The use of stealth will be required.

It all worked so well at first. Pace yourself, sneak over there at night, and don't let anyone see you. And suddenly the moon is bright and you are terrified of everything, because as the Commander of the Rapid Force, this means you are a huge loser. Way to be scared of a damn marine life research facility. A crab is going to pinch you. Maybe a seahorse will blow bubbles at you. Or perhaps you're allergic to shellfish. For whatever reason, the Commander has decided that now is the perfect time to turn into a wimpy idiot.

So, will we (Branch Z) run away like a little baby chicken wimp, or (Branch AA) press onward towards the potentially deadly and murderous house of fish?

Branch F: Fish Research Institute

I... can't actually explain what just happened here. We just got mind controlled or some crap, and the book sort of cut off before ending. Maybe he isn't evil. Maybe we can't know. Maybe this ending is stupid. Profoundly stupid. Or is it? Yes. It is.

Ending BE:
Type: Non-Ending/What-The-Hell

Well, we've seen what awaits us at Follop. Let's see if the beam of light is any better.
Haha, no. It is an Old Beam. We lose. It could have been so many other, better beams, though. Think of better beams.

Ending BD:
Type: Failure/Death

You know what? This all went so horribly downhill ever since we agreed to go with Tara. Remember this page?
Well, clearly we screwed up. We're gonna rewind and tell Tara to Piss Off.

Oh thank goodness. We left behind everyone, Flppto included. We are spared the horrible fates that await us. Instead, we're going to an Aquatic Experimentation Facility to listen for fish and look for the Evil Power Master. Evil Fish?

Let us think of a convincing lie to tell these fish people. After all, this quarter of the book has somehow wound up with us at a fish research institute. Fish Research Institute. Ahhhhh dangit.

Do we (Branch L) lie to the fish researchers or (Branch M) hide in a cardboard box, because this may be a sneaking mission, and the use of stealth will be required? I'm actually starting to miss having to deal with Flppto and Tara already.

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 7
Non-Endings: BE
Victory Endings: AC AR AT
Failure Endings: AB AS BD
Death Endings: AB AS BD

What-The-Hell Endings: BE

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Branch AU: Towards the Void

Let's talk to Congress. Surely they will know what to do. They won't fail us so spectacularly anymore... right?Well, that's some great bureaucracy right there: it takes the congress hours to come up with the plan that we picked up on in three seconds. It does, however, have it's upsides: if we send more ships to attack, the idea that we personally will get killed is relatively low. Sure, planets will die, but they had it coming. I'm looking at you, Glenburnia VI!

It's very hard to simulate an epic space battle in a book. No wait, it isn't, R.A. Montgomery just isn't a very good writer. I'd like to see Orson Scott Card write one of these. Your head gets beaten in with a lead pipe in half the endings, I'd bet. Species exterminated in the other.

Ending AT:
Type: Victory

Well that's funny. We're only a quarter through the book, and we've already covered half the victory endings. I've got a bad feeling about this... a feeling that only soaring towards a void will cure! Let's not talk to congress, and deal with this ourselves.

That doesn't look like a planet and beam of light at all. It looks like abstract art, and I should know, I've seen some lately. What the heck is that thing really supposed to be?

Also, do we (Branch BD) get distracted by pretty lights or (Branch BE) ignore the lights and press onward to our dooms?

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 5
Victory Endings: AC AR AT
Failure Endings: AB AS
Death Endings: AB AS

Branch AE: Printout of Doom

Well, here's that mutually assured destruction scenario we worried about for all those years. And naturally, we got it because we involved Congress. I hope you all learned something here today. Whenever you involve Congress, people die. Also, the Evil Power Master, like all good Care Bears villains, uses his negative emotions to survive weaponry.

Ending AS:
Type: Failure/Death

That's what you get. Well, let's not do that, instead, let's haphazardly attack him ourselves, with no warning.

Martian this and martian that. Shut up, Flppto. you're going to get ground up into delicious martian lunchmeat because you have irked us. How about you learn to steer us away from meteors.
This time around, the Evil Power Master didn't put up much of a fight. I don't think we'll really be sorry until we remember how funny his head looked, and start to miss it.

Ending AR:
Type: Victory

Well, that certainly put ol' Bigface in his place (Hell), but I like to think we can make better decisions than that. Let's rewind a little bit. Instead of searching for answers and solutions, let's sit in front of an AppleIIe, and maybe play some Lode Runner.

Yes, worship your IT department, for they control your access to email, pathetic fools. I don't think using conventional computers was the mistake here, but using really old computers that predate even SSL and other basic security features. But no, the Evil Power Master wouldn't listen, his computers HAD to run the Oregon Trail in it's original format, natively.

We need to beat Flppto to death. It's always Congress This and Congress That. Listen here you freak, I'm holding a computer printout from an AppleIIe, with the paper tape and everything. I'm going to tear off the paper tape and fold little patterns with it, which is why there is no time to listen to Martians!
The Void of Niro... this doesn't sound like a trap, no.

Decision time! Branch AT will force us to talk to Congress... AGAIN. I'm pretty tired of that. Branch AU on the other hand will send us right to Follop, by ourselves. We could really go either way here.

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 4
Victory Endings: AC AR
Failure Endings: AB AS
Death Endings: AB AS

Monday, November 5, 2007

Branch AD: Congressional Breakdown

Why oh why did we talk to these bumbling idiots again? Look how panicked they are. These jackasses will never beat Ultima IV with their lack of courage. I hope the third planet the Evil Power Master was talking about exploding is Lacoon.

Wait. You mean to tell me that a congress wasn't a frightened and hysterical mob BEFORE being threatened with death? That's a new one on me. At least Flppto accomplished something by staying with the computer; he guaranteed that he's going to take our job as commander of the Rapid Force after this.

Well, it's once again decision time. We can choose Branch AR, where we dive into battle against the Evil Power Master's forces like a bunch of careless jackasses, or Branch AS, where we tell Congress, a bunch of frightened jackasses, about our amazing plan to jump into battle. There is no time to think, only time to use terrible and flawed catchphrases.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Branch O: Don't Just Stand There, Shoot Something!

Looks like not surrendering is on the plate. But it might not make a difference... or will it?

If only we'd used the Kung-Fu moves earlier in this book, we wouldn't be here, fighting Lizardmen in the capital, and looking like jerks. In a desperation tactic, we send a huge fleet to grind up the enemy, and get half our guys killed. Wow, you've done it: You've made certain you're going to get fired as leader of the Rapid Force.

Ending AC
Type: Victory

Well, that was a good call I suppose, but we can probably do better. Let's go surrender like saps.

Well, that's certainly encouraging. Not only do we get another Evil Power Master head for surrendering like cretins, we get rescued by Flppto (utterly useless) and arbitrarily killed seconds later. Rocks fall, everyone dies. Also, that's the most Pac-Man looking EPM I've ever seen.

Ending AB
Type: Failure/Death

Okay. Let's pretend we didn't stick around like saps and wait for demise or slaughter. Let's go back a decision and hunt down the Evil Power Master's base and weaponry instead.

Rapid Force, you suck. You let one get away. But more importantly, what the hell is "Freecg zircjysmyocardinium!", anyway! What could it possibly mean? Why would they say it to us? Tell me the answer!

Well, here's a stupid idea: Stare at the Apple IIe we found earlier, or talk to congress. Both of these ideas have something in common: They are stupid.

The choice is yours! Do we (AD) Talk to Congress... AGAIN? Or do we (AE) stare at a computer screen, wishing for it to update?

Ending Catalogue:
Total Endings: 2
Victory Endings: AC
Failure Endings: AB
Death Endings: AB

Branch N: The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

Nuts! This is the worst plan of all time. Wait around and get held hostage. The good news is that Tara might die. The bad news is that we have to reset the Rapid Force sign that says "305 days without a hostage situation!" back to 0. Thanks a lot Tara, I might shoot you myself.

Our choices suck. Branch AB, Surrender (I can't imagine why we'd do this) or Branch AC, Don't Surrender (I can't imagine why we'd do this either). Take your pick! Why the heck did we tell Tara she could come along anyway.